The Cannibal Conundrum
by LeFay Strent
Summary: Everyone knows Canada's a cannibal. Everyone except Canada, that is... CRACK
**Welsh 'cannibal' Matthew Williams eats victim Cerys Marie Yemm and then dies after being Tasered in homeless hostel**

"MATTIE WHYYYY?!"

"Why what?" Canada asks as he enters the conference room. America whips his head up from the newspaper he's clutching to stare at Canada in a horrified fashion. That wouldn't be so bad...if the other nations weren't staring too. The much-forgotten Canadian should be happy by the sudden bout of attention. Instead, their prying gazes unnerve him.

Suffice it to say, Canada has no idea what's going on and is baffled when America stands up, screaming, "He's gonna eat us all!" before jumping out the nearby window.

"...do I even want to know what that was about?" Canada asks, staring wide-eyed at the remaining nations.

"Nothing at all, besides following Mexico's example," England comments, glancing off to the side as if considering doing the same thing.

"Mexico?" Canada blinks, noticing that she isn't there either...and are France and Spain cowering under the table? What in the world...

" _Da_ ," Russia smiles pleasantly, completely unperturbed by the situation and practically giggles when he continues, "So, is it true that you eat people?"

Flabbergasted, Canada fumbles for a reply, "Wh-where did you hear _that_?"

"Please, it's not as if America did not out you to entire world," China rolls his eyes. "Is it true or not? It is simple question."

"Of course it's not true! What do you take me for? A cannibal?"

"That _is_ what the news said," Germany muses, now holding the newspaper America had abandoned in his haste to escape the 'danger'. "Although it is generally smart to not believe everything you read in the newspaper. Their sources are not always credible."

"N...newspaper?" Canada asks, eyes darting between the paper in Germany's hand and the blond himself.

Germany takes pity on him and hands the paper over. Canada examines the front page critically, catching on immediately as to why America and everyone is freaking out. His face darkens and a vein throbs in his temple.

"For one, 'Matthew Williams' is a common name and I am not the only person with it. Secondly, DID NO ONE NOTICE THAT THE GUY IS WELSH?!... _AND_ DIED?!"

"Oooh, it like does say that!" Poland exclaims, having leaned in to read over Matthew's shoulder. "That's a total relief! I thought you were going to go om nom on our faces!"

"I would have liked to watch," Russia admits, sounding disappointed by the turn of events.

"I was going to suggest eating pasta instead of people, but I guess I don't have to now!" Italy cheers. "...but you should still eat pasta."

"By the by, I still would have accepted you regardless," England assures Canada.

Canada raises a disbelieving brow, "You wouldn't have cared if I ate people?"

"Good lord, of course I would have cared! Humans can't be good for digestion, and then there's the question of morality. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have accepted the fact that you eat people."

"Thanks? I guess?"

"Anytime."

" _Mon Dieu_ , I'm so relieved that _ma petite_ Canada is not doing such heinous acts!" France cries, suddenly appearing by Canada's side to hold him in a paternal fashion. The embrace doesn't stay that way however...wandering hands and all.

Canada escapes France's embrace and lets England distract the Frenchman with their usual bickering. The rest of the room soon forgets about Canada as well, talking amongst themselves about, no surprise there, cannibalism.

Canada fades off to the side, asking himself sullenly, "I wonder if I should be upset that they jumped on that bandwagon so quickly? Do I really seem like the type of person to cannibalize people? What do you think, Kumakiro?"

"Who are you?"

He frowns and mutters, "Watch it or I'll eat you."

"But I'm not a human."

Great, now even his bear thinks he eats people. This is turning out to be one splendid Thursday.

Five hours later, after the meeting is done and over with and the room has been cleared out, a voice calls out from under the table, "Is it safe to come out yet _amigos_?"

* * *

 **So, I'm pretty sure I saw that newspaper heading on tumblr? I dunno, it's been a long time since I wrote this, but that's what inspired this piece. Hope it amused you.**

 **Here, have an alternate ending.**

* * *

 **OMAKE:**

"By the by, I still would have accepted you regardless," England assures Canada.

Canada raises a disbelieving brow, "You wouldn't have cared if I ate people?"

"Heavens no! I like a bit of human flesh myself now and then. It's jolly good!"

"Alright, who let 2p England in here?" a random nation asks.

"Oh tiddly, it looks like I've been found out!" 2p England beams, not at all bothered by this fact. Before anyone can do anything, the imposter jumps up and uses his magic to create a dark portal in the wall. "I'll take my leave then! Cheerio!"

"Wait! What did you do to the real England?" that same nameless nation asks because the author is too lazy to get specific.

2p England pauses with one foot in the portal to stare back at all the expectant faces.

Suddenly, he grins manically, "Why, I ate him!"

Then he disappears through the portal, the black vortex snapping closed in his absence.

The room is silent for a long while.

But silence never lasts among this rowdy bunch.

"I wonder how he tasted…" Russia muses, earning him a few appalled stares.

"Kesesese, he probably tasted just like his cooking," Prussia laughs.

"How the hell is 2p England even alive then?" Romano asks, no doubt referring to how volatile the Briton's cooking could be.

"Maybe he's not… _human_ ," Spain whispers conspiratorially from under the table.

Romano scowls at him and kicks him from where he sits, "Idiot, you forget none of us are."

"Oh, you're right! _Lo siento_ , I forgot!"

"Stupid bastard! Don't sound so happy about it!"

"Ve, shouldn't we be worried that England got eaten?" Italy asks, worried about everyone's nonchalant behavior.

Russia smiles, "That means one less to destroy, _da_?"

Prussia shrugs, "Eh, guess I'm one drinking buddy down. The awesome me will just find someone else."

"Nah, England was a _puta_ anyway."

Even Romano raises a brow at Spain's heartless comment. "Oi, bastard, just what did he do to you?"

In answer, Spain curls up in a dark corner, crying about destroyed armadas.

Romano looks away in realization, "Oh, right. Yeah, good riddance to that bastard. The world will be a tastier place without him."


End file.
